Hotel Hollywood: A Lesbian Romance by Nicolette Dane

Author:Nicolette Dane [dane, nicolette]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781535504270
Amazon: 1535504277
Publisher: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform
Published: 2016-07-28T00:00:00+00:00

But I wasn’t okay. Something about feeling so immediately close to Kelsie also made me feel fragile. I had been hurt before and I guess I just didn’t realize what it might feel like to be accepted or wanted. I wanted to believe Kelsie, I wanted to think that she truly wanted me and not just a quick fling while she was in town. But everything I had been lead to believe about Hollywood stars, or maybe everything I had been lead to believe about people in general, was that they just weren’t always that reliable when it came to love. You let someone in close to you and they can hurt you. I didn’t want to be hurt.

Not wanting to be hurt, though, is what was constantly holding me back. I could see that. But look, just because you can realize some foible about your life, that doesn’t always make it easy to do something about it. For example, and this one is silly so I hope you don’t judge me, but I’ve always been self-conscious about my legs. They’re like twigs. I feel like I’ve got no muscles at all in them. And then I see these athletic girls who have beautiful calf muscles, amazingly sculpted thighs, and I’m just like, “I want that!” I know that I could just start running and get those muscles that I like. But do I run? Nope. I think it’s because that takes a ton of work. It could take me years to get the kind of leg muscles I dream about, maybe even longer, maybe not at all. And something deep inside of me tells me that if you don’t try, you can’t fail. That keeps me stagnant.

Maybe it’s just confusion as to what I actually want. I mean, I don’t know. I don’t know what I want, I don’t know where I’m going, all I know is that I’m tired of feeling hurt, I’m tired of feeling held back, I’m tired of feeling alone. But it’s like there’s something within me that won’t let me just be happy and go for it.

And then, when I analyze all these feelings, I feel like I’m just a whiner. I drop it. I push it down. I move on.

Kelsie really did make me feel good. Every time I was with her, it felt magical. It felt right. I felt like Kelsie could understand me on some level, understand feeling a bit like an outcast, a bit like a foreigner in your own life. I knew deep down that I didn’t belong in Champlain. I was young, smart, driven toward… I don’t know, something else… and Champlain was just more of the same old stuff, a stagnant life going nowhere. Kelsie showed me that there was more out there. But could I handle it? Could I handle the risk? Could I handle the possibility that maybe Kelsie wasn’t being completely true with me?

I laid there in Kelsie’s hotel room bed in the morning, alone and naked.

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